I’m vaguely aware that October is ADHD awareness month. Back in the (blogging) day I’d have come up with at least one idea for such a month, given that I have ADHD…and also given that’s what you do when you’re being intentional about blogging, social media promotion to drive traffic, etc. Now the internet is awash with so much content in general, and specifically ADHD content, the last thing anyone needs is yet another ADHD awareness post. But here I am, having ADHD and trying to cajole myself into working during normal work hours like I do and have done every weekday for the past 4+ years, then deciding to just “do one quick thing” before getting down to business. Then before I know it, it’s 2:30 pm and I have accomplished zero things, so I figure may as well at least complete the non-work and entirely non-essential task of writing a blog post in hopes that the feeling of accomplishment when (if) I click “publish” will kick my work productivity into gear.
Being your own boss when you have ADHD is a blessing and a curse. Mostly curse, in my case, because I’m motivated almost entirely by pressure and the fear of getting into trouble (yes, I’m 54 years old and I swear to this day “getting into trouble” remains at the top of my fear list). I also work best under those same conditions–tight deadlines and fear of losing a client, someone’s respect, etc.–which means that I basically spend 90% of my time procrastinating, worrying, kicking myself for wasting so much time and not being more productive and just fucking around, and then do all work and essential stuff in the remaining 10% of time. Which pretty much means I could fuck around all day, every day and not worry, then sit down at 7 pm and work perfectly efficiently until midnight and get everything I need to do done. This, incidentally, is what I for the most part do, minus the not worrying part.
I have tried every single hack–both neurotypical like planners and such, and ADHD/neurodivergent, including coaching, medication, etc–but have yet to figure out a way to work differently when I only have myself to answer to. Back when I worked a regular 9-5, I at least made a decent show of being able to force myself to work on command–but that was because of the fear of getting into trouble thing. Also, when I worked with other humans (ah, the good old days–that part of working for the man I do miss) I did spend a decent amount of time socializing and walking to/from the coffee station, my desk, the bathroom and back all day long, which I guess I should give myself credit for now that I probably waste use the same amount of time as I always did.
Whelp, I have succeeded in amping up my anxiety by now actively wasting time writing this instead of just passively wasting it doing nothing, which will hopefully jolt me into actual work mode. It’s also half jolting me into wanting to go find and add to this post a bunch of ADHD-helping products and/or resources since I have the cool “shop this post” widget thing on this site. But boss me is yelling HELL NO DO THAT ANOTHER TIME so I guess I’ll do it another time. Unless by the time anyone reads this (assuming anyone ever reads this) there happens to be such a widget included with the post, in which case, you know what I’ll be doing from 7 pm until midnight tonight.
