Yes, I’m still here. Why, I don’t really know to be honest–I guess it’s like any habit that long ago ceased to be fun but your brain still can’t help but feel like THIS time the fun’s going to return or something. I wish my brain would have picked something more useful to crave, old habit-wise, like exercise, instead of being more than fine letting that one just vanish without a trace while badgering me literally daily to WRITE SOMETHING TODAY. I guess it’s better than craving cigarettes or whatever…barely.
I did make myself promise that if I’m really compelled to keep at this blog then before I dive into yet another redesign because the site doesn’t look right to me yet I’d write a post BEFORE spending another however many hours tinkering around with the design. Because seriously–I’ve been “redesigning” this blog for almost two years now, over and over again; meanwhile, I’ve written like 6 posts? Or really, more like one that felt like actually writing instead of either really, really trying but not feeling it at all or writing about how I’m going to start really writing AS SOON AS I just finish making the site look cute. Like anyone, including me at this point, gives a shit. Ok, I do still give a shit…but I’m also beyond over feeling compelled to do something over and over again for no actual reason. Like, you know, saying the same thing about five times in this paragraph now.
As I’ve gone back and forth a billion times with myself about just calling it quits with blogging vs. pushing myself to write for the sake of writing, whatever I call it, I can’t help but think about how different both the world and my life are now compared to when I started blogging what feels like a lifetime ago. It essentially was a lifetime ago–16 years ago I was an entirely different person living an entirely different life and both the internet and real life were nothing at all like what they are today. I was a mom (but adamantly NOT a mommy blogger!), I was a social media manager and stan (which makes me cringe now, but hey, who knew social media would go on to break democracy and humanity in those heady days?) and I guess at the heart of the entire thing, a writer. At the time I didn’t really think of it that way; blogging was writing but it also was “just” blogging, so not really writing in my mind. Now, having spent the past year first recovering from first what I really want to just call “a mental health incident” or something benign but, since I’ve already written about my first (and hopefully only) bout of mania that landed me in the hospital, I guess that cat’s already out of the bag, the result of which was me basically losing my ability to write…or do life at all…I’m just happy to be able to string some sentences together. Also, I know that I’m never going to be able to move past my own shame and silence if I don’t start putting myself out there again, and it appears that the only way I really know how to do that is by blogging.
So even though it feels awkward as hell to be what I imagine is the last personal blogger standing, it also feels weirdly good to know you can still write about nothing at all and hit “publish” without anyone noticing in a world where everything anyone does is tracked, surveilled, noted and so on. I figure if I’m going to be alone with my thoughts all the time anyway I may as well start getting back into the swing of life by broadcasting them on what I’m pretty sure is the equivalent of a white-noise channel while I figure out what it is I’d want to say in actual public in case I’m ever living a life outside the confines of my house. I’m realizing that this post has basically nothing to do with the title but, again, there you have it–the beauty of blogging in a TikTok/Instagram/podcast world–call stuff whatever you want because who really cares anyway?
Ok, so now I just have to do this every day for the next 5 or 10 years and maybe I’ll hit my writing stride again! 🤦♀️